|
LostCauseInEffectx
|
read my profile
sign my guestbook
Name: Seraiah LeQueerdo
Gender: Female
Interests:
My name is Seraiah. I have an open, creative and expansive imagination. I have a huge and heavy heart. I have a damaged soul. I am currently in the process of healing. I have an undying passion for music, love and all things fine arts! In love with design, poetry, writing, dancing, theater, art, photography and fashion. I love God, my family, my friends and of course my other half, Kyle ♥
Expertise:
Musician, Artist, Designer, Inspiration.
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
3/28/2006
|
|
| So right now I'm really intoxicated and I could give LESS OF A FUCK about who reads this. I haven't been venting completely on xanga for a while now in fear of who's eyes would come across it. But right now, in this moment, in this state of mind I really don't care.
I really need somewhere to vent, and this has always been my place to come, I miss being able to just throw my words on to a page and just let it be. I haven't allowed myself that liberty lately and I think it's about fucking time that I do so.
I'm gonna start by saying, I'm lonely as fuck. I've realized this. I have friends, sure. But I have a deep craving for intimacy, for affection. Hey maybe I just have daddy issues but it doesn't fucking matter, I want someone there for me, that I can lean on. But the funny thing is, that I don't want a relationship. Why? because I don't trust men because so far in my life I really have no reason to. I like the comfort though. Does that make me pathetic?
Let me explain my current situation. (I'm going to change names for privacy sake) It all started when I started talking to this guy Doug, he gave me the attention and desire that I was craving, he was very attractive and I actually liked him back in high school, only for me to come to find out that he had a girlfriend and was pretty much lying straight to my face. Once I got over that, and the fact that guys can be so disgusting I met someone else. Let's call him Larry. Larry led me to believe that he actually liked me, he was the first guy in a long time that I seriously vibed off of, we had similar interest and he was really cute, I enjoyed his company and could talk to him forever without even realizing the time was going by. He made me feel special, unique and I was seriously convinced that he liked me only to find out that he was just leading me on because he wasn't over his ex girlfriend. It affected me pretty badly and I was hurt by it. I enjoyed the nights we spent together and the intimacy that followed. But of course, nothing good comes out of a situation like that. He was just another guy.. using me. Like always. After him it took me a while to get over it completely but I met a guy name Ken, Ken was funny, I liked hanging out with him, he made me laugh, made me smile. I could be myself around him because I originally thought nothing more of him than the fact that we were just friends. Eventually I started to see him differently. As a person that I could potentially hook up with in a no strings attached way. The more I got to know him the more I appreciated him as a person though he was deeply flawed. Turns out though, that he's very shallow, he said some things to me that hurt me and has been playing this yo-yo game with my mind where one moment he wants this, the next he wants that. Lately I feel like all he ever wants to do is avoid me, and that he's just using me for his own little amusement. At first, I didn't mind it, but now he's over stepped a boundary with me that I'm actually deeply affected by. I don't understand it. Do I have attachment issues?
I've decided to start avoiding him, stop trying to fill my voids with someone who is very insincere. It sucks though, and I can honestly say it's getting to me. I got to vibe with him on levels that I haven't vibed with many people just because of the fact that he is such a straight forward person, he tells me like it is and opened up to me in a way that I didn't know was possible. Most guys like to shy away from shit, and though sometimes he does leave things to mystery he was an open book to me in our vulnerable state. Now I feel he wants nothing to do with me and if that's the case, I shall do the same to him. As I say, on to the next. Last night I met a guy who I took a general interest in, I thought he was cute, I know nothing about him honestly besides the fact that he's full Korean and born in Korea. Perfect timing for my little K-obsession. All I know is that he finds me attractive also and that he was supposed to show up to a hotel party I went to tonight, turns out he didn't come at all and instead we got kicked out. Which brings me here, venting and upset. Trying to sober up but still disappointed at the fact that I feel like I will never be good enough for anyone. Am I not sufficient? I know I am not ugly, but I do know I'm overweight which seems to be a deal breaker for a lot of guys. I don't know if I'm just being stupid and insecure about all of this and not embracing myself for all that I am. But I just can't stand feeling like this anymore and considering I've been busting my ass at the gym and not seeing any results is puzzling for me.
UGH, I don't know, I just want someone to cuddle with right now. I just want to fill my voids.
| | |
| So every year I set a date for reaching my goal weight.. it never happens HAHA but of course this year I will continue the tradition and do it again and maybe actually reach it. This year since I'm going to Vegas in October I'm gonna try to reach my goal by October lets see what's up. Hey maybe while I'm there I'll meet Ryan Higa and get married yeahyeahyeahyeahyeaaah!
| | |
| I thought this dude was being sincere and that he was different, that maybe he actually liked me for me but.. nope just a huge flirt/player/liar just like the rest. Thanks a lot. Ugh, why did I even start talking to you again? I just put myself in a position to feel shitty. Real talk.
| | |
| Today was such a terrible day for me, I feel like shit, I'm very unhappy. No matter how on top I may feel one day it always seems like there will always be something to bring me crashing right on down. I'm so confused with everything that is going on with me. I just DON'T GET IT. All I want to do right now is just break down and cry like wtf why is all this bullshit happening to me? My coworkers as much as I may love them have been being really bitchy lately, well they don't think they are but I do. They like to make fun a lot and usually if they say stupid shit to me I just brush it off because I know they're playing around but even if you're playing around and you tell me I got fat I will get fucking pissed which is exactly what I am right now. Them joking about that pissed me off I showed them a picture of me from this time last year where I was A LOT skinnier and they were like oh what happened? Fuck this I am more motivated than I've been too lost this FUCKING BAGGAGE once and for all!
I'm sick of players I'm sick of liars I'm sick of bullshit seriously wtf :[
| | |
| I kinda forgot what blogging was all about honestly, on tumblr I feel like I hold back a lot now because there are people that read it that I'd rather they not. I don't want to say anything that may hurt anyone or have some kind of misunderstanding you know? I enjoy just venting random feelings and not having to worry about who reads it.
Right now I feel like ranting on me and my past with guys. I SURE DO KNOW HOW TO PICK EM!
Major sarcasm I don't know what it is but for some reason I always went for people who ended up hurting me.. a lot. From my very first boyfriend. Actually before him. The first guy I loved was one of my best friends, he cared about me a lot but he lead me on and fled when the time came where I wanted to take things to the next level leaving me feeling like I wasn't good enough for him. Then my first boyfriend. He was a bad boy but knew his way around words, he would flatter me and tell me what I wanted to hear and me being a naive thirteen year old I was I believed every single word, every single LIE. He cheated on me a bunch of times and left me for someone else, I was already insecure before him because of all the bullying I went through in my child hood but I was a lot worse after him. The next few guys down the line were a lot of the same, guys who were cocky and talked about themselves a lot, thought they were so good looking, liked to party and fool around. I think almost every single guy I've dated has cheated on me or gone behind my back one way or another. It just baffles me that I'm so bad at finding someone to treat me right. None of my first few relationships were serious, the only ones I really consider actual relationships were my last two exs. They were actually a lot different from the rest but in some way they always had something all the same.
Anthony was very sweet he took care of me very well and always put my needs before his, and he was my best friend, I trusted him and never had a reason not to up until he hid the fact he was smoking weed behind my back after quitting for so long. The reason I didn't like him smoking was because he turned into a different person when he did smoke. Kyle was different because he was the first person that actually did everything he possibly could for me and not because I asked but just because, he gave me the romance I always wanted and when I first dated him he was straight edge which was one of the things that I was so drawn to about him because of my sketchy past with guys and drugs/drinking. Turned out Kyle turned into them, alll the fears I had of that happening.. happened. It sucked. What hurts more than having the person you love leave you? Having them leave you then turn into a whole different unrecognizable person from the one you originally fell in love with like seriously. Ouch.
The weed problem has haunted me. There is a total of FIVE boyfriends that all decided this drug was more important to them than me.... AWESOME! People think I just over react about it but that's because they didn't see alllll the separate experiences I've gone through.
Right now I can honestly say as much as I like being in relationships I'm not ready for one just yet but I would like to say that the next person I date is going to have to be different, I'm setting a super high standard to save myself from getting hurt and to give myself what I feel I deserve. I want to date a good Christian guy with good morals, who has himself together because another thing I realized is that almost every guy I dated was an atheist and had a lot of issues and insecurities.
Idk I just had random thoughts about this through out the day. After I'm right with myself I know God will bless me with the person he created just for me. Who knows I may have already met them.
| | |
|